its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I smell like Dick and happiness
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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