you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
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i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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