im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize