I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
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How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
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"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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