You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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