Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
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He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
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I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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