ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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