really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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