My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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