you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
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she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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