i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
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Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
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Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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