He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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