I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He has the fingertips of a God
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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