You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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