you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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