I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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