Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize