god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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