where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
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Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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