i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
zippers are such a cool invention
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize