guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
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I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
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I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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