I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i love accidental penises.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize