I got chris browned last night
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
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Are my feet made of real feet?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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