When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
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I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
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Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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