Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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