you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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