just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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