At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize