I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
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She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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