Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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