i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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