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he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
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