i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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