I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
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i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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