He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
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I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
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It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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