Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
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No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
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Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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