My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
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Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
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I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
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