she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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