mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
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I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
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I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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