That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
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My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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