it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize