My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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