I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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