Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
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He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
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This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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