Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
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i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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