Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize