Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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