Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize