Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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