I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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